You have much less control over your thoughts and feelings than most people would lead you to believe. And when you’re struggling with your mental health, that lack of control can feel devastating.
This is why so many of the strategies you try to change your thinking—whether it’s “just think positive” or “stop worrying”—don’t work.
At best, they fall flat. At worst, they backfire entirely, leaving you feeling even more stuck. But here’s the good news: while you can’t force your mind to behave, you can create the conditions for it to find peace.
In my work, I’ve seen six common mistakes people make when trying to improve their mental health. These mistakes often make things worse, not better. Let’s break them down—and talk about what to do instead.
1. Trying Not to Think About Something
Trying not to think about something is like trying not to picture a pink elephant—it immediately pops into your head. When you try to avoid a thought, you first have to remind yourself of that thought, which only reinforces it. And if that thought carries emotional weight—like stress, fear, or sadness—it sticks around even longer.
Instead of trying to force the thought away, focus on replacing it. Your brain has a limited capacity for attention, so fill it with something engaging—a conversation, a project, or a hobby. This indirect approach leaves less room for the thought you’re trying to avoid.
2. Trying to Force Yourself to Sleep
Sleep isn’t something you can command; it’s a byproduct of the right conditions. When you lie in bed stressing about how little time you have left to sleep, you’re creating the exact opposite of what you need.
Instead of forcing it, focus on creating a sleep-friendly environment: a dark, cool room, a comfortable bed, and a calm mind. Sleep comes when you stop chasing it.
3. Ignoring Your Own Needs When Life Gets Busy
When life gets overwhelming, it’s tempting to cut out self-care to make more time for work or responsibilities. But this is a mistake. Self-care—whether it’s sleep, exercise, or time with loved ones—is what fuels you. Without it, you’ll burn out.
Instead of neglecting your needs, double down on them. Think of it like a budget: if life is taking a lot from you, you need to invest more in yourself to balance the equation.
4. Trying to Be Happy
Happiness isn’t something you can force; it’s a byproduct of living a life aligned with your values and priorities. When you hyperfocus on chasing happiness, it often slips further away.
Instead, focus on building a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling. Happiness will follow.
5. Trying to Make Everyone Happy
It’s impossible to make everyone happy. When you try, you often end up pleasing no one—including yourself.
Instead of trying to meet everyone else’s expectations, focus on living a life that aligns with your core values. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so take care of yourself first.
6. Trying to Make People Love You
Trying to be someone you’re not to gain love or approval is exhausting and unsustainable. Even if it works, you won’t feel truly loved because the love is directed at a version of you that isn’t real.
Instead, focus on being authentic. It’s scary, but it’s the only way to build genuine connections.
I’ve gone deeper into these ideas in the video below, where I walk through practical steps to help you regain control of your mental health.
The struggles you’re facing are part of being human. But with the right tools and mindset, you can create the conditions for peace, happiness, and rest to flourish.
-Scott
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